Voice

I'm not good enough, I'm letting you down,
I don't want to play this game
I think these things in silence and
The result is always the same
Overpowering self-hatred floods
Over every inch of my soul
I long to self-harm in such a way
To completely abandon control
I have no conscious thought or plan
To guide where my feelings take me
My mind's muscle memory has power
Enough that it can break me
So before I even take a breath
Or tell myself don't do it
My hand draws strength to form a fist
With no pause I get to it
I hit.
Over and over with silent screams
Echoing no in my head
As if somehow I could beat me out
And exist as nothing instead
I could try to channel all that despair
And every destructive thought
Into part of me still holding on
I just don't know why I ought