Turn On

The ticking of the clock slows down
as I feel you next to me.
Your hand slips in mine, and for just a moment
I am lost
in a childhood that could have been
if you had been someone else,
maybe if I had been, too.
But we weren't, so I faced a childhood
with you as my crush,
the cousin I adored,
and my abuser,
all in one.
I would have walked over hot coals for you.
I did walk through fire.
Little match strikes at first
as it started with warmth
and love
and your hand.
But I'm still confused because
that was not love.
It was the warmth of your hand
doing things no hand should do to a child
but because you said you loved me
I believed everything you did was
Out of love
and I trusted you.
So the match strikes became
a blaze of wood in the fireplace.
You kept me warm,
using your own body to provide heat
but why did you need to
be inside of me to do it?
I'm still confused.
You didn't need that.
You wanted it.
The years pass by and
the truth gets blurred,
but the blaze became an inferno
threatening to burn me alive.
I finally saw you as you truly were...
Cruel
Sadistic
but if you had said
I love you
one more time, I would have
believed it was my fault, not yours.
Wait, still confused.
I did believe it was my fault, not yours,
that if I hadn't let you touch me...
Wait, let you??
Did I actually have a choice?
If I had said no, would you have stopped?
At any point, would you have stopped?
Because I did say no.
I whispered it.
I cried it.
I begged it.
You know I did.
But nothing changed
except my delusions had
to keep getting bigger
to make myself believe
that you loved me.
I don't believe that anymore.
I've seen the scars and recognized the truth
I was a tool for you,
no more,
no less,
to allow you to dominate someone
without fear of repercussions.
When in doubt
pick someone who loves you.
Pick someone who would do anything you asked.
Pick someone who believes
everything is her fault.
even the death of her own innocence...
but you killed that girl!
And I pray she haunts you for the rest of your life
like you haunt me.
Maybe then the next time
I feel your hand slip in mine
I can squeeze real hard -
a love squeeze from me to you -
and break every bone in your hand
so the ticking of the clock can resume
its normal pace
and the world can turn on.