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The Game

Was I your first? Did I mean anything?
I'm struggling to see my true place
My heart reels hard as it tries to recall
But the answers are lost in a haze
I know you wanted me - or do I know that? -
But your motives have blurred over time
Maybe I was too close or too naive
Or the only young girl you could find
Whatever the reason, I was who you picked
Thus starting the game that you played
Whatever the reason, I trusted you still,
Becoming the girl who stayed
The silence was deafening, I told no one
It was our dirty secret to share
On Sundays you'd use your golden boy tricks
To pretend that you really cared
But faith mixed with shame twisted me up
My Sundays became a charade
Good Christian girl acting all fine
Overwhelmingly filled with self-hate
I blamed myself for whatever was wrong
All 'cause I didn't say no
In a world where the slightest touch has deeper meaning
I couldn't just let it go
Was it wrong to like touch? Why'd you hide it so much?
All questions led back to you
The answers I found sent my heart round and round
As each time you hurt me anew
Soon my faith was shattered, trying to explain
How God could love someone like me
I had been bad, I had done what felt good
My beliefs all said that should not be
It's been so many years since you taught me these lessons
Your voice echoes now in my words
Decades of trials with my wounds have shown me that
I can't move on til I'm heard

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