Shock

I feel my pulse as it speeds up
Awaiting what’s to come
There’s a moment’s hesitation to
Remember how it’s done
Slide the whole switch down, so that
The blade comes fully out
I know the truth of what’s ahead
And I am ready now
A tiny cut to start today
It sits there, nice and small
Reminding me of the control
And pattern of them all
Each new cut gets deeper, though
Pain and red combine
Recognizing that the power of
Hatred is still mine
I don’t like questions that I don’t
Know the answers to
Like why should I be punished?
What did I really do?
An objective voice says nothing
But be a victim once
I can’t think about that now
I say as my mind runs
To him, the one who first hurt me
And now emotions spike
I CAN’T do this, I WON’T do this
I’m running out of time
I dig down deeper, so blood spurts,
Fighting for control
I scream inside, a scream of death
That echoes in my soul
Oh, damn it all to hell, I quit!
I quit! I QUIT! I QUIT!
I’m not going to try to fight
Against this, I admit
I deserve to be hit and cut
Until I cease to be
I don’t deserve to live a life
This I finally see
One shaky breath floods in and out
All motion at last ends
Me and my self-hatred stay
Still the best of friends
I’m split apart by what’s gone on
And what next I should do
I have no choice but to hang on
And wait for hurt anew
Time will tell, but I doubt
That I’ll be waiting long
Actions of self-harm persist
And all my hope is gone