Once and Again

It doesn’t really matter
Were the first words that I heard
Softly spoken in my head
Excusing every hurt
It’s my fault, yes, I’m to blame
Or I misunderstood
A hundred explanations
To make him still look good
Time went by and I grew up
But some things never change
I played down what he did to me
And lived my life in shame
Then came years of therapy
Designed to help me see
That all my hatred should not be
Pointed back at me
And finally some progress
As I began to learn
God’s given me sweet mercy that
I didn’t have to earn
I thought I was all better
Black hatred faded gray
Head on straight, bad thoughts in check
Clearly on my way
But sometimes unbeknownst to us
Feelings creep back in
No matter how, we find ourselves
Where we were again
It doesn’t really matter
Were the words I just now heard
Screaming loud inside my head
Denying every hurt
I’m nothing, I deserved it
A slap rings in my mind
More punishment still needed
No matter how I try