Not Today

Fingers clenched,
Breath searching frantically for a calming foothold
But finding none,
I grab my pillow and
S C R E A M
As loudly as I can,
Wondering if the cops have already been called.
Maybe I shouldn't have screamed the first time
Without a pillow,
Or maybe I should just say
S C R E W I T
And scream
A G A I N and
A G A I N and
A G A I N
Until all that is left are whispers,
From screams cut down, that
B L E E D
Into the silence.
I grab my special scissors,
Sharp, with purple handles,
That no one else is allowed to touch,
But then
I H E S I T A T E.
I can't do this.
I won't.
He is N O T worth it.
I can't keep hurting myself
Because of what someone else
Did or said to me.
Somehow, I have to quit before
I L O S E E V E R Y T H I N G.
Eyes closed, I take one shaky breath,
Then another.
Slowly, I put the scissors down.
I don't know about
T O M O R R O W,
But he can't have me
T O D A Y.