Not There Yet
Forgiveness looms large in my mind
I'm torn by how I feel
I know it's where I want to go
But not until it's real
I think about what it would mean,
If it would make me whole,
Accepting that he was to blame
With mercy as my goal
The biggest issue facing me
Involves letting go,
Taking all this anger, and
Giving up control
Am I ready for that move
When there's no turning back?
I know deep down that I'm not
And that makes me quite sad
I want to say I can forgive
In fact, that I'll start now
But to walk away from what I feel?
I just don't know how
I didn't used to blame him
I thought the fault was mine
But through hard work, with lots of prayer
That's shifted over time
I'm closer to a full belief
The wrong was his alone
But somehow, I still feel I sinned
A fact that I bemoan
Which makes it so important that
The anger that I have
Be turned against the person who
First put me on this path
He did this! I didn't ask
To be touched in that way
It angers me, and I admit
I want that sense to stay
This is all I know to do
For the girl I was
My only way to say I'm sorry
Though it's not enough
She lived through hell - I don't know how -
And never said a word
I want her to know that
Her voice is finally heard
If that means I rage against
The one who hurt her then
I'll do it! If it's just to show
This is NOT her sin!
Then maybe one day, sometime soon
The anger will abate
I'll look at my abuser
And demonstrate God's grace