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No Name

I’ve talked myself in circles
Just to avoid the words
Spent so much time denying
That small voice should be heard
On a roll with writing
What I was going through
I learned more about myself
Each day was something new
I didn’t even realize
There were things I couldn’t say
It stirred up awful feelings
Just mentioning those days
So sitting safe in therapy
I tried to talk it out
But feeling sick I had no voice
My heart was filled with doubt
My mind is living in a place
I do not comprehend
Filled with wishful thoughts of how
The truth could maybe bend
When I use words to explain
What he did to me
I choke on the description
Of my reality
What if, instead – oh, what if
I wasn’t really hurt
No more need to talk about it
Or question my self worth
Even as I say these words
I know the truth won’t change
But I know how hard it is
For me to say the name
Abuse, okay, even molest
Terms I don’t fully hate
Not even on the same page for me
As a word like rape
I’m panic-filled and nauseous
At what it really means
The truth is not subjective
Or less than what it seems
I can choose to never say
The word that scares me so
But the facts themselves won’t change
Wherever my mind goes
So I need to teach myself
To say all that is true
And trust that as I open up
There’s peace, long overdue

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