After Nightfall

I found out today that you're not really you,
Not who I thought you were.
All these years believing there was love,
Even with all the hurt.
I still thought somewhere deep down inside
That you actually cared for me.
I still hoped I was special despite what you did.
You had a reason I couldn't see.
I was right, as I finally learned the truth.
Hurting me met a need,
Made you feel bigger, better, stronger than me
In your twisted ideology.
You hunted me,
Not too difficult for you because
I loved you and was already there,
Wanting more than anything to be special to you,
Just for you to care.
I close my eyes and I'm in that roller rink
As you turn away from some girls.
Skate back to me,
Take my hand and smile
Like we're the only two people in the world.
That smile melted my heart,
Leaving me open and defenseless every time you attacked.
Now, spinning around in my brain
Are questions in search of facts.
Why did I give you more power than God,
And never try to take it back?
Or if I did
Why did I fail so badly?
I won't cut myself any slack.
Will I ever live through the embarrassment, the guilt, feeling dirty and used
Long enough to look someone in the eyes
And tell them I was abused?
Tell them what happened, be able to embrace
The facts as what YOU did to ME,
Not just what happened to two random people
In some random old story.
To blame you now and forgive me
For blaming myself all these years,
I'll be ready to run, leave you in the dust,
When my clouded head finally clears.

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Not a "whoops! This just happened"
Not a "she's my girlfriend, so let's do that"
It's clearly "I'll say what I need to in order to get you to do exactly what I want," a CHOICE to manipulate


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Did I really die inside that day you manipulated
The part of me wanting to be special to you
And I just didn't know it for another 40 years

For fear I'll go insane

Saying goodbye to someone
Who doesn't really exist
But who I'd blindly
Loved for all my life
Makes me feel so lost
Like all that I'd believed
Was taken away
One frentic afternoon

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How many times is too many
To reveal myself so much
Let down my guard
Let others walk right in


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Saying goodbye to someone
Who was never really there
Whose true self moved in secret
Who made me believe he cared
Even with everything he did to me
I held him up as special

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I want to scream; I think I will
Or just break down and cry