Laryngitis

What if
I had to say the words out loud?
Would I ever have told anyone I was sexually abused as a child?
Never!
I know this because I still haven't been able to.
All these times
Of sharing the fact that I was abused,
I have never once done it verbally.
I write it down,
Email it,
Text it,
Mail it in a letter,
Post it in a poem,
But never say it out loud.
I might fall through the floor
And die
Of embarrassment and shame.
If only I could reach a point
... Where I own my experiences
... Where I don't see myself as a victim
... Where my strength is greater
Than my fear
Of not being believed,
Of being rejected,
Of losing people who are too disgusted by
What I went through
Or too upset at how I handled it
... Where I know that what was done to me
Doesn't make me less of a person
And doesn't mean I must hide from the light
Because I'm too dirty,
Too worthless
... Where I can look you in the eyes
Right
Now
And say
I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse
And I am not ashamed
For my voice to be heard.



NOTE: Old programming is so difficult to break. My abuser taught me I should feel shame about everything I experienced, and I still struggle to overcome that teaching now. Someday, I'll succeed, and I will shout the truth from the rooftops for everyone to hear. Until that day comes, though, I must be patient with myself as I try to find my voice - soft, hesitant, shy - and own the experience of being a survivor.