In Furtherance of Nightmares

Nightmares come softly,
hesitantly,
as if afraid
you might cry out.
They'll do anything
to keep you quiet,
Even convince you
it's just a dream.

Mine started
on his bed,
the place where
dreams and
nightmares
battle for supremacy.

I'd fallen asleep
and woke up
Did I?
to darkness.
I couldn't see anything
but there was
nothing wrong
with my hearing.
Muffled voices and
laughter,
more than one person...
Two?
I reached up to rub my eyes
to see who was there,
but someone caught
my wrists mid-movement
and said
No, no. It's not time yet.
And forced my hands back
down to my side.
Motionless, I waited,
but not for long.
I felt the bed dip
as somebody
jumped on it
and lay down next to me.
A hand started moving
around my body,
as teeth nibbled my ear...
Someone new.
He whispered
I want the girlfriend
experience.
and I heard laughter.

Downstairs, in a basement,
is a good place to bury
things you can't have
anymore...

Trust
Hope
Safety

It's also a fertile place
to grow new things
you're told are good
for you...

Obedience
Resignation
Terror

Tending a garden
takes time
I didn't have.
They were in a hurry,
so I focused on burying
my hearing,
my awareness
my sensations
Me
as deeply into
nothingness
as I could,
but some things
can't be buried,
like
?questions?
Who was here?
Why couldn't I see?
I didn't wonder
what they were doing -
I knew that too well -
so I waited.

At some point,
they both finished.
Coming back to my body,
I still couldn't see,
but I lay still
as they cleaned me up,
made me presentable
again,
then pulled me into
a sitting position
and asked

That wasn't so bad, was it?

I felt hands
behind my head
doing something.
Then I saw light
and blinked from
the brightness.

My rapist was holding
a rolled up T-shirt of his
and I realized with horror,
it was
a makeshift blindfold
seeing me look at him,
he shrugged

It was the only way.
But you won't tell now,
will you?

I turned my gaze to
his friend,
who seemed nervous
but gave a half-smile.

I slowly shook my head
and my rapist patted my cheek,
grabbed my chin,
and said

Good girl!

before turning to his friend
and nodding towards
the door.

They left.
I quietly finished tending
my garden,
burying the only thing
I had left
In the basement...

Truth

Would I ever be allowed to dig it