House of Cards

I need space.

There's no point in me continuing to
... Abuse myself
In the absence of my
... Abuser

I need to start thinking about
MY needs,
MY wants,
MY future.
I need YOU out of my head.

I hear your voice
... dripping...
with overly compassionate words
About care,
concern.

My role in this game for two is
Not what I want
But what you put on me...
... Silence
... Guilt
... Shame
About things I
DID NOT CHOOSE,
But somehow they follow me through
Years
and
Distance.

They flatten themselves and
crawl through my defenses,
Much like you did,
without me realizing it
Until you were
In,
And I have spent the rest of my life
Trying to get you
Out.

I sleep walked for half a century
... but I want something now:
A Future
And that won't happen until
You're gone.

Funny thing is,
You're not really here,
But in your absence I still
... Hear your words
... Feel your touch
... Lose myself

And my Future
Dims.

Can I shut out what
Isn't Really There?
Not a figment of my imagination,
Much worse...
A remnant of you as teenage boy
Making me, a 5-year-old girl
Believe
Everything is my fault.
Choose
To punish myself for
Everything you did.

I have no dramatic words,
No bolts of lightning
Or explosions of confetti
To emphasize my point.

All I have is me
... trying not to drown
... To come up for air,
choking, gasping,
Alone.

I say it as plainly as I know how...
Leave Me Alone
Or I'll slip under your house of cards
And light a match ---

Ashes to ashes, Preacher.

Ashes to ashes.