his

Each silent touch screamed loudly
But only in my head
Elsewhere was a calm that
Could only be called dead
No one ever knew those days
He'd go from Sunday best
To "lay down on my bed
And get undressed"
I truly saw church as the
Source of all my hurt
As each time there, my voice
Was never heard
While his was - in Bible readings,
Speaking up in class,
The golden boy
Performing first to last
Why didn't I say
He's hurting me inside
I can't be present
My mind has to hide
Why didn't I yell
This has got to end
When he led me to his room
Time and again
Why the hell did I
Not tell anyone about
How his actions filled my heart
With such grave doubts
Like am I even real?
What was really done?
Why does being in church
Now make me run?
I still feel his presence
Rising in my soul
When I go to church
Panic takes a hold
I'm lost, trying hard
To avoid starting to cry
It feels like he's again
Right there inside
So I curl up in my mind
Remind myself of this
No matter what's gone down
I am not his