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Falling

How do I retrain my mind
To think of other things?
To find a way to stop self-harm
And everything it brings?
To finally break away from
These longings in my head
Things would be much easier if
I wanted to be dead
But no! Instead I want to cut
And cut and cut again
It's not enough to hit myself
Not sure it's ever been
Though I do it with such force
When no one else will hear
Being caught by someone else
Is still my biggest fear
Which is why I CANNOT cut!
Though it's what I crave
I even went out shopping for
A shiny, sharp new blade
Reasoning that, with a fresh blade,
The cuts are smoother done
Making it simpler to hide my work
Which is the battle won
I wonder what I'll dream about
Tonight while I'm asleep
Visions of cutting dance in my head
With urgency that won't keep
I know I need to ask for help
Before this goes too far
But just thinking about not cutting ✂️
Is simply way too hard
I want the option, I want the choice
To be mine alone
But I am showing signs that I am
Losing self control
So even if I don't care
About the mess I'd make
I run the risk that if I'm caught
My rights, my choice, they'd take
I will not live in that world
Where it is not my call
I need to think I have control
With my say over all
So somehow now I have to stop
This need to cut myself
Maybe if I fall on God,
He will give me help

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